Marriage Undone

I highly recommend the book Mom’s House, Dad’s House by Isolina Ricci for parents facing separation and/or divorce. Buy this book early in the process and listen to Ricci’s advice about how to talk to your kids. The author writes:

…do not give all the gory details of the fights you’ve had or how you feel betrayed by the other parent. Your children do not want to know–and they should not know–how you hurt each other. They need to be able to respect both of you, now more than ever. And most of all they need to know that it is all right for them to love the other parent even though you don’t.

and:

Try to have a short, true explanation and, if possible, one that is phrased in a positive way: ‘Your mom (dad) and I decided it is best for us to live apart’ conveys a more reassuring message than ‘We simply can’t stand to stay together any longer’ or ‘We don’t love each other enough to live together anymore.

I tried my best to follow Ricci’s advice when my ex and I separated over 10 years ago, and we have a well adjusted, co-parented 16 year old now. At first (I was the one leaving) he told me “you are going to have to explain this to her”….translation….”you have to tell her this is your fault”. I made an appointment with a therapist the next day, specifically to ask how to help with our daughter through the process. The therapist had several handouts for talking to kids of various ages, but he couldn’t seem to find one for my situation.

I was lucky. My daughter was only 4 at the time and much more willing to accept a “matter of fact” attitude from me. Her dad came around pretty quickly, too, thank goodness! We did our best not to talk to her much at all about each other, just about the “facts” that she needed to know–namely, that she was now going to have two houses, that she would still live with both of us (note, “live”, not “visit”). Of course we assured her we both loved her, but probably not really more than we already did. I think the key is to make this as least dramatic as possible. Don’t tell your kids that mom or dad had an affair! Kids pick up on our stress and reactions. If we act as if everything is okay, they will believe everything is okay.

As tempting as it is to make your kids your ally in a war against their other parent, don’t do it. They shouldn’t have to know how “terrible” your stbx is. They need the perspective of loving and being loved by both parents.