Dec 14 2008
Blindsided that your spouse wants a divorce?
Many times when one spouse wants a divorce, the other feels completely blindsided. If you are in this situation, you may very well feel like you might just crumble and die. The shock and the pain are excruciating. And this state can unfortunately last a while, hence the reason the “divorce diet” can be so effective.
What should you do when your spouse wants to leave and you still want your marriage? Interestingly enough, the things you should try to do to “save” your marriage are also the same things that will help you move on with your life if your attempts are unsuccessful.
First, don’t be the pitiful, heartbroken victim - at least not in front of your spouse. It is understandable to be emotional, and you certainly need a source of support. But find a friend or a therapist for your emotional outlet and do your best to appear understanding, strong and attractive to your spouse.
Second, take care of yourself! Take up an old hobby, join a club, take a class, pamper yourself with new clothes or a new hairstyle. Michele Weiner-Davis, author of Divorce Busting, calls this GAL - Get A Life! You may feel like you are just going through the motions at first and “pretending” to have fun. That is okay. “Act as if,” and eventually you’ll find it is working. Pretending is better than staying in your bathrobe all the time and wallowing in depression. Depression is not attractive. You might succeed in adding to your spouse’s guilt, but that won’t lead to a successful reconciliation.
Third, try to put yourself in your spouses shoes, but accept that you will never really have a satisfactory answer to “Why?” Chances are this is not a snap decision for your spouse. While you may not have noticed it, he or she has been experiencing their own emotional battles. If it seems “easier” for them, if they seem more detached, it is because they have had much more time to process the idea of this breakup.
Separation and divorce can be devastating, but how you react to your spouse’s desire to leave your marriage can make a difference. Having a positive attitude is your best chance to save your marriage, and while it may not work, it is also your best chance at minimizing the devastation.
