Marriage Undone

The first holidays (and the first birthday, anniversary, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day….okay, the first year of milestones) can be especially difficult. Even if you are lucky enough to have the kids for the first of many holiday rotations to come, old traditions can trigger painful memories, and there is a notable absence from the picture.

First, accept that you will are likely to do some depressing reminiscing. And give yourself permission to feel what you are feeling - but set a time limit. Keep your schedule busy so you don’t have too much time to pout. Accept invitations from well-meaning friends and family who know you will be alone, and make invitations to others in similar situations.

Create new traditions - for yourself and with your kids and other family members. Now is definitely the time to throw away the idea that the only time to really celebrate is on December 25. We haven’t had too much difficulty adapting in this respect. Thanksgiving was almost always celebrated on Friday when I was growing up because my father and grandfather worked rotating shifts. Since my divorce, Santa usually comes to my house the Eve of Christmas Eve and to my daughter’s Dad’s house on the normal schedule. This has worked well since I’ve remarried, too. My husband’s kids are with us Christmas Eve until bed time, then with their mom Christmas Day. No one in my family is caught up on what date is on the calendar.

If you really can’t seem to find anything to do for the “day of” and are afraid that depression will hit, volunteer! Giving back is always a good way to feel better, every day of the year, but serving a nice meal to the homeless can be a life-saver on Christmas morning. Can’t find a soup kitchen where you can sign up? Bake some cookies and deliver to a nursing home. Bring a deck of cards and see if someone else wouldn’t welcome a little friendly entertainment.Take some time to make some plans, now, so the holiday blues don’t catch you off guard.