Dec 18 2008
Should I Have Tried Harder to Save My Marriage?
A friend asked me recently if I wished I had tried harder to save my first marriage. He was saying that he didn’t believe in soulmates, that the “in love” feeling couples have at first always fades, and he believes he could have a successful marriage with just about anyone, as long as the person treated him with respect and honesty.
I understand what he means, and even agree, to an extent. And my first husband was not an awful person by any stretch of the imagination. Sometimes it is hard to remember what really was the problem. I know what I told myself - that I couldn’t make him happy, and I believed as long as we were married he would expect me to make him happy instead of learning to be responsible for his own happiness. That sounds overly simple to me now.
I married when I was 20, divorced at 30. The twenties are a huge decade in our personal development. So the common excuse, “we changed so much,” or more accurately, “I changed,” applies. And we did try. We tried counseling, a marriage workshop at our church, self-help books. But do I wish we had tried harder?
Maybe it’s just the passage of time, but I cannot imagine being married to him now. I certainly don’t regret marrying him - how could I? We have an awesome daughter! And he is a good father. But as much as I grew in the ten years we were married, I grew even more after our divorce. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if we had stayed together.
My daughter told me recently that one of her peer groups was having a discussion about disfunctional families, and specifically the negative effects of a “broken home.” She said she spoke up and said that she didn’t think divorce had been bad for her family, that she had two homes and everyone was happy. It was one of those moments as a parent that I am sure I’ll never forget.
I don’t like the “should” word. I’m pretty happy with how my life has turned out.
