Marriage Undone

In my experience discussions about forgiveness after divorce always seem to turn into cheating discussions. I think it’s because society views adultry as the unforgiveable sin. We are almost more willing to excuse abusers - not that we advocate staying in abusive relationships, but we accept the psychological explanations that abusers were abused as children, or alcoholics are children of alchoholics, etc. People seem to support “hanging in there” longer, perhaps separating for physical protection but giving it some time, while a spouse seeks therapy or counseling, to give them a chance. But with adultry it’s wham - you’re outta here!

The hardest thing to accept seems to be that when they cheat on “you”, it really has very little to do with “you”. It’s all about them - whether they are the habitual cheater with a serious personality defect that no one should ever have to tolerate, or it’s a one time thing that for whatever reason can be explained and even forgiven.

I recommend Adultry: The Forgivable Sin  for one take on how family history leads to cheating, and My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me for a perspective of how an affair happened to a reasonably happy and stable couple, and how they recovered.

We always go down the semantics road in forgiveness discussions. What does forgiveness mean? Is it a choice, or a process? Is it more about forgiving yourself? Is it really just “letting go?”  More and more I have come to believe that forgiveness relates to empathy. It’s not about making excuses, and certainly not to say that it’s “okay” - it isn’t - it’s awful. But I know I’ve done some awful things at various points in my life, things that were out of character for me and out of my belief/value system, and I think most people who find themselves having affairs are similarly out of touch with who they are, or who they want to be. And it seems to take a really long time for people at that point to recover and get back to being themselves, much less stop justifying their behavior and admit they are wrong!

But I’ve also realized that while at the lowest point of our lives, finding empathy within ourselves–especially for the person responsible for putting us at that low point–is probably not realistic. When you find out your spouse has cheated, or you find out your spouse just doesn’t want to be married to you anymore, you are suffering. It hurts. It doesn’t make sense. It’s a good time to learn to be a little selfish (in a good way), so that you take care of yourself and heal.

These books might not really make that much sense until after you’ve done some work on yourself, until you are in a healthier place, emotionally. Or, they might give you the perspective you need to make some progress in that healing journey. It’s an awkward balance. I think that’s why we always come back to “forgiveness takes time.” It’s a learning process, and we just can’t absorb but so much overnight.