Marriage Undone

There are no hard and fast rules to answer this questions. Many factors come into play. For example, the spouse who left the marriage has had more time to process the end of the relationship than the spouse caught by surprise. But experts offer some useful guidelines.

I used to love listening to Dr. Joy Brown on the radio. Her rule was one year - after divorce. Separation didn’t count. Her reasoning was that during separation you are still married, and that you needed to experience all of the anniversaries - which would take a year - on your own -to prevent carrying the ‘ghosts’ of your previous relationship into the new one.

While I thought Dr. Joy’s advice made sense, I didn’t follow it. Sometimes I think my current relationship is more difficult because we were both so recently separated (him) and divorced (me) when we met, but I don’t regret being where I am.

One of my friends seems to think it is really important to start dating, not necessarily looking for a long-term relationship, relatively sooner. His reasoning is that our self-confidence in the relationship arena is at an all time low, and we need the boost after rejection of feeling wanted. I agree that the attention is nice, but I think “casual dating” is very difficult.

I started relationships two different times after my separation, insisting both times that all I wanted was something casual. The first time my heart was broken all over again, and the second time I ended up married again.

Another problem that surfaces after the end of a marriage is that many have forgotten “how” to date. My suggestion is to simply get active and make new friends before you worry about romance. Once you meet someone with whom you recognize that “spark” and really want to consider dating, then my advice is the same I give my 16 year old: Don’t think about having sex until you are completely comfortable talking about every aspect of it - and anything else - with your partner.