Dec 22 2008
Why is Divorce so Ugly?
I’ve heard so many horror stories from members of my divorce/separated support group. And if you watch the news for divorce stories, you’ll read about celebrities - people who seem to have everything - fighting horrible divorce and custody battles. Why does the end of a marriage reduce us to such unreasonable beings?
Most of us, most of the time, agree that there are two sides to every story. Or maybe three as I’ve heard it: his side, her side, and the truth. But in divorce, both sides seem to think they are absolutely right and the other is absolutely wrong.
I do understand the ‘why’ in some respect - we didn’t marry our spouse with the expectation they would hurt us so badly that we would no longer want to be married. Divorce is extremely emotional, and we don’t tend to behave like rationally when we are emotional.
What I don’t understand is why it takes so long to come to our senses. Playing the blame game ultimately hurts everyone involved, especially when we have children.
I’m right and you are wrong is probably how you ended up in separation or divorce to begin with. The sooner you let go of blame, the sooner you can move on with your life, hopefully without giving more money to your lawyer than you have to give to your ex.
Hi DINEANE…It sounds like your divorce is fairly fresh still. My wife of 21 years and I divorced back in 1993. And it was not an easy thing to go through. However, as hard as it was, I think our divorce was mild in comparrison to many I have heard about. Our children were both at the young adult stage so who would take who was not an issue in the divorce. When we decided that it was time to end the relationship we agreed that we would not hate each other. That did not mean we would not be angry with each other, just that we would not hate, or show hate. This agreement went a long way toward keeping a relationship that was civil and that we could continue to function as a family with. The family does not end just because the marriage ends. In the future after the divorce there will be, if there are children involved, holidays to deal with, new spouses, graduations, etc. etc. etc. And the children will expect participation on the part of both of their parents.
Our agreement not to hate helped the healing begin and also helped us realize that there is still some sort of love between us. It took a year or so for the anger and pain to subside enough for us to be around each other. But eventually, with our no hate agreement, we were able to get together with our children, and our new spouses in a civil, even loving manner. Today my ex and I have been through 14 years of family related events revolving around our children and grand children. It has been an a testament to the idea that if hate is not allowed to fester and build a common ground can be achieved that allows the next generation of the family to have what loving families have. Commonality.
I am not saying that this works in every case of divorce. There are cases where one member of the couple has abused the other and should not be allowed to be around. The same is true in child abuse situations. But when abuse is not the issue…when it is simply a case of falling out of love on the part of one or the other, then a no hate agreement can accomplish great things for the future of the family. Best of luck to you.