Marriage Undone

If you have concluded that your spouse might be experiencing a midlife crisis (MLC), chances are you have already felt a roller coaster of emotions. Your once loving spouse is suddently blaming you for all of his or her unhappiness. He or she tells you, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you,” or even worse, “I never really loved you.” Your marriage is suddenly spinning out of control and you don’t know what to do.

First, you have to accept that this crisis is not yours. MLC is usually the result of a “trigger” that brings to the surface unresolved emotional trauma. No matter how often your spouse tells you that everything is your fault, you must remember that you are not to blame, and that you cannot “fix” this. All you can really do is ride it out.

Those in midlife crisis are unlikely to agree to marriage counseling or individual therapy. Like a rebellious teenager, they don’t think anything is wrong with them, just with the rest of the world.

Understand that this can be a long process of cycling in and out of extremely manic behavior, depression, and what seems like simple immaturity. Research suggests that midlife crisis can last from two to seven years, or more. (Before you panic about the length of time, consider that the “crisis” may have been happening for some time before it became noticeable to you.)

Now this doesn’t mean you are just supposed to sit around and “wait” for your spouse to come to his/her senses. Your most important task is to take care of yourself, physically and emotionally. You are likely to be hurt and depressed in this experience. The MLCer will sometimes give you hope that everything is getting better only to yank the rug out from under you again - it is difficult for anyone to fight the associated feelings of confusion and rejection.

Taking care of yourself means in part finding a sympathetic and understanding support system, which can be particularly difficult since many people view ‘midlife crisis’ as just an excuse for bad behavior. Resist telling your friends and family about each and every sin your spouse commits. If you are successful in reconciliation, they may not be as forgiving as you are. And during the crisis, those who love you will want you to leave, to remove yourself from the situation.

The forums at divorcebusting.com are an excellent source of support from others in the same boat who can help you understand what is happening and help you focus on doing what is best for yourself. You will want to research as much as possible to help yourself gain an understanding of what to expect, and how difficult it can be. You may not be up for the madness - don’t let anyone judge you if that is the case. MLC more often than not involves infidelity, and many people in our society view adultry as the “unforgiveable” sin. But be sure to keep an open mind and to consider the experiences of others before you make any quick decisions, even if what’s happening goes completely against everything you’ve expected from marriage.

Find new interests or renew old ones you have neglected. Do things for yourself that make you feel good and fulfilled. Expect no emotional fulfillment from your spouse. Find healthy ways to set your personal boundaries - this is not about being a doormat, but about being the strongest person you can be as you deal with someone you love who is at their weakest.

Do not tell your spouse you love them. Don’t pressure them. Don’t try to get them to talk about your relationship. You’ll need to do your best to affirm the crazy feelings they may express to you, even if they tell you they are “in love” with someone else.

Does this all sound unfair? It is. There’s nothing fair about it. The good news is that those who survive midlife crisis come out of the experience as entirely different people. Your marriage won’t go back to what it once was - you’ll have a new relationship all together. Many marriages do not survive MLC, but more do than you might realize. Only you can decide for yourself if you are willing to take the chance. Make your choice an educated choice. You may find that your own personal growth is worth the roller coaster ride.