Marriage Undone

The truth is, I don’t have a single outstanding Valentine’s Day memory of romance. I’m sure I received acceptable gifts at various times, but for the most part, Valentine’s has been a disappointment for me since grade school, when it seemed like everyone but me had some sort of “extra” gift in their stapled together construction paper pouch where other students tucked the cheesy little Valentine’s cards.

Someone in my divorce support group last year dubbed Valentine’s Day as “Single Awareness Day,” and for the recently separated, the description sure feels accurate. But the truth is, even those in happy marriages often end up feeling let down on February 14. The expectations are just too high. And frankly, I think they are unfair.

First of all, the burden is mostly on the men - traditionally they are expected to make the grand gestures of romance while women can get by with a nice card. Let’s really think about this for a second. If they actually come through with a dozen roses, don’t we wish they had thought of something original? Most of my girl friends admit they think roses for Valentine’s is a colossal waste of money.

But what enormous pressure! I feel really stressed and intimidated when I try to brainstorm a symbolic gift that will show my husband “how much I love him.” And I know such gestures are just really not up his alley. While some guys might have romantic talent (at least in books and movies), most I know are clueless. Why, year after year, do we keep hoping they will surprise us in some meaningful way, when we KNOW that’s just not in their genetic makeup?

Last year, Valentine’s fell on a weeknight, and I knew my hubby would be happy to be off the hook instead of dragging in to work the next day after a late night out. I made plans instead with my divorce support group friends. About 20 of us attended Karaoke and sang “anti-Valentine’s” songs - “Love Stinks” was a huge success! We had a blast!

While it is certainly difficult to change our expectaions, especially when commercials and grocery store displays remind us early and constantly that “everyone else” is gearing up for romance, a true Valentine’s Day surprise is only possible if we stop fantasizing about the perfect Love Celebration.

The simple solution is to make non-traditional plans for the holiday. You are certainly not the only one dreading a day of feeling distinctly single! Gather up your friends and acquaintenances and go bowling, or roller skating, or crash your local Karoake bar with a list of non-love songs. You may surprise yourself and create a favorite Valentine’s Day memory.