Marriage Undone

Regardless of how your marriage ended, the bottom line is that the person you pledged to spend your life with either broke that promise, or became someone to whom you could not keep that promise. How do you trust “love” again?

I recently stated that I think trust is overrated. Everyone puts “trust” somewhere high on their list of what they want in a partner. But when push comes to shove, can you really trust anyone to have your best interests at heart?

Call me a cynic, but I believe relationships work when people are fulfilling each others needs. And I believe people, and their needs, change. When one person’s needs do not coincide with someone else’s, especially when that someone else IS someone we care about, we will start covering up the truth.

What can we really trust anyway? Trust your car will start in the morning and get you to work? Only until one day it doesn’t! Do you trust your parents to do anything in the world for you? They’ll try, perhaps, but you’ll understand when you are parents that selfishness invades once in a while.

Often discussions about trust after divorce conclude that the first step is to learn to trust yourself. After all, you thought you’d picked the right partner when you said, “I do.” How can you be sure you won’t misjudge again?

You do have to start with trusting yourself - trusting that you can recover and learn and grow from your mistakes. Perhaps you can even find the value in the lessons you’ve learned from painful disappointments. You might begin, as you trust the lessons you learn for yourself, to appreciate the journey of others. And when you can trust and forgive yourself, you can again choose to love.

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