Jan 06 2009
Do We Try Too Hard, or Not Hard Enough?
Recently I blogged about my reaction to a friend who asked if I wished I had tried harder to save my first marriage. Today I was thinking in general about how my experiences have influenced my curiosity about marriage, especially marriages that come “undone.” My ex husband attended my wedding when I married my current husband, and he told one of the guests that we were “successfully divorced.” Three years ago I was as positive as positive can be that my second marriage was over, but here we are, doing better than ever.
And it’s not because we’ve “tried”. We haven’t “worked on it.” We haven’t been to counseling. My husband probably hasn’t read a word of this blog and is simply not interested in any self-help “mumbo jumbo.” So how did we recover from the absolute brink of divorce?
First let me say I have absolutely no idea what my husband would say was the secret. To be honest, I am still not 100 percent sure if he really thinks things are as great now as I do. I do believe he is here because he wants to be, and right now, one day at a time, that is good enough for me.
That said, I honestly believe things got better for us when I stopped trying so hard to make them better. I detached as much as I possibly could from our relationship for a while, and I worked instead on myself. I had to really let go of focusing everyday on what I wanted our marriage to look like and think instead of who I wanted to be.
As I’m sure you can tell by now, I tend to be overly analytical. I like psychology. I’m one of those awful armchair therapists. But I had to stop my obsession with my own marriage and especially with tryinig to figure out how to fix everything.
It drives me nuts when I hear people insist that “it takes two” to make a relationship work. Often it just takes one person with enough patience to ride out the storm. Sometimes you just have to have faith that giving your partner the space to sort things out on their own will bring you back together.
So how do you know when it’s time to move on? Was I wrong to leave my first husband? I don’t think there is an easy answer. But when I hear “success stories” both from those who have reconciled and those who have divorced, the common denominator is not how hard they “tried.” The success is the individual, personal growth those people feel they gained in the experience.
How do you stop trying hard? My husband and were on the brink of divorce and he keeps telling me that I am trying too hard to fix things…after reading this, I think he is right…so how do I just ride out the storm?
LeAnn - isn’t it ironic how hard it is to try not to try? But I think you do it by focusing on yourself - not what you think he wants you to change, but what things - no matter how small - will actually make you happier? What can you do every day to make you feel better about yourself? Even if those things feel a little selfish, do them! When you are your own best person, your husband will either fall in love with you all over again, or you will be strong enough to peacefully let go if the relationship doesn’t improve.