Marriage Undone

From a Reader: Here’s my dilemma: In our child support order, it says that he will pay half of any agreed upon activities for the children. He has already refused to pay anything toward their dance (something they have been doing for several years). The girls went to camp last year and gained a lot of self-confidence and independence, and we thought it was a great experience for them. So, they want to go again this year. I asked him if they could go, and if he would pay for half. He says that they can go, but that he is not willing to contribute anymore to the financial responsibility of their activities, that I can use the child support that he is already giving me to pay for it. What really bothers me is that he told the children that they could go, as far as he was concerned, and that I could pay for it out of the money that he was already giving me.The financial truth of the matter is that I am scraping by…what are your thoughts on all this?

Dineane’s Two Cents: Ask your kids if they want groceries and electricity the weeks they are not in camp that month. Okay, not funny….I don’t know how old your kids are, but I don’t think little kids should know or worry about who pays what. At least generally speaking. But that’s Daddy’s screw up and not yours.

I’m probably really not the best person for money advice. When I left my husband, we were earning about the same money. Since we had joint, almost 50/50 custody neither of us ever paid the other any child support. As she got older, she got smarter. If I told her I could not afford something, she would start asking him. These days we both tend to say “no” to stuff, because neither of us can afford it, and if she really wants it, then she can earn the money herself (she’s going to France in the summer and has done a pretty good job of earning that money without either her dad or I making major contributions…but I digress).

The thing is, it’s obvious he a) can’t afford to help and/or b) doesn’t want to help with the cost of the camp. If you really want them to go, you have to decide if you can afford it and just forget about him helping. And if you cannot afford it, well, times are a-changing. The economy is tough, and your kids are going to have to suffer like everyone else, sooner or later.

“…half of any agreed upon activities for the children. He has already refused to pay anything toward their dance…”

Afraid the key words there are “agreed upon” activities. I empathize with the struggle. My daughter is a junior in high school now, and we still have not purchased a high school year book. I only had one child in part because I never wanted to have to say “no” to those kinds of things…and here I am, setting a terrible example, not even giving her a regular allowance, much less all the extras I wanted her to have. But the money is tight, and life sucks sometimes, and we have to teach our kids how to deal with that — without blaming their dad’s.

Another thing from your ex’s perspective….if paying child support makes things tight for him, he will resent not only being asked for more, but not being able to provide it. If you cannot afford the extras, and he cannot afford to help with the extras, try to keep it simple and not make it one or the other parent’s “fault”. Don’t let him blame you - but this will mean you can’t put it on him, either. And certainly don’t tell your kids “I have to see if Daddy can help pay for it.” Just decide if you can pay for it and leave it at that.

Look at it this way though, as great as camp can be, it’s really not a necessity. Make it up to your kids somehow - let them invite all the other kids who can’t afford it to sleep in tents in the back yard or something, but try not to let it become a “mom’s better than dad” or vice versa kind of issue.