Feb 19 2009
Who Should Pay for the Kid’s “Extras”
From a Reader: Here’s my dilemma: In our child support order, it says that he will pay half of any agreed upon activities for the children. He has already refused to pay anything toward their dance (something they have been doing for several years). The girls went to camp last year and gained a lot of self-confidence and independence, and we thought it was a great experience for them. So, they want to go again this year. I asked him if they could go, and if he would pay for half. He says that they can go, but that he is not willing to contribute anymore to the financial responsibility of their activities, that I can use the child support that he is already giving me to pay for it. What really bothers me is that he told the children that they could go, as far as he was concerned, and that I could pay for it out of the money that he was already giving me.The financial truth of the matter is that I am scraping by…what are your thoughts on all this?
Dineane’s Two Cents: Ask your kids if they want groceries and electricity the weeks they are not in camp that month. Okay, not funny….I don’t know how old your kids are, but I don’t think little kids should know or worry about who pays what. At least generally speaking. But that’s Daddy’s screw up and not yours.
I’m probably really not the best person for money advice. When I left my husband, we were earning about the same money. Since we had joint, almost 50/50 custody neither of us ever paid the other any child support. As she got older, she got smarter. If I told her I could not afford something, she would start asking him. These days we both tend to say “no” to stuff, because neither of us can afford it, and if she really wants it, then she can earn the money herself (she’s going to France in the summer and has done a pretty good job of earning that money without either her dad or I making major contributions…but I digress).
The thing is, it’s obvious he a) can’t afford to help and/or b) doesn’t want to help with the cost of the camp. If you really want them to go, you have to decide if you can afford it and just forget about him helping. And if you cannot afford it, well, times are a-changing. The economy is tough, and your kids are going to have to suffer like everyone else, sooner or later.
“…half of any agreed upon activities for the children. He has already refused to pay anything toward their dance…”
Afraid the key words there are “agreed upon” activities. I empathize with the struggle. My daughter is a junior in high school now, and we still have not purchased a high school year book. I only had one child in part because I never wanted to have to say “no” to those kinds of things…and here I am, setting a terrible example, not even giving her a regular allowance, much less all the extras I wanted her to have. But the money is tight, and life sucks sometimes, and we have to teach our kids how to deal with that — without blaming their dad’s.
Another thing from your ex’s perspective….if paying child support makes things tight for him, he will resent not only being asked for more, but not being able to provide it. If you cannot afford the extras, and he cannot afford to help with the extras, try to keep it simple and not make it one or the other parent’s “fault”. Don’t let him blame you - but this will mean you can’t put it on him, either. And certainly don’t tell your kids “I have to see if Daddy can help pay for it.” Just decide if you can pay for it and leave it at that.
Look at it this way though, as great as camp can be, it’s really not a necessity. Make it up to your kids somehow - let them invite all the other kids who can’t afford it to sleep in tents in the back yard or something, but try not to let it become a “mom’s better than dad” or vice versa kind of issue.
Been there, done that. How about this? Both of my kids have crooked teeth and need braces. Just found out my son also has to have corrective surgery on his bottom jaw because it is recessed. When I asked my ex if he would help with any of this, he told me, ‘No, that’s what I pay child support for.’ When my son, who is 15, asked him if he could maybe help him get a car, he said, ‘No. That’s what I pay child support for.’
I was talking to my son about all of this and he told me that he can’t really blame my ex because he pays so much in child support. I asked my son how much he thought that my ex was paying per month. He said, ‘Like $1800′ I about busted a gut laughing. I told him, ‘No. It’s $622 per month for both of you kids together.’
What’s worse is that when we did the child support order, the Judge said that unless it was medically necessary for my kids to have braces, that I had to pay for it and my ex didn’t have to contribute. All the while my ex’s two kids with his current wife are walking around with Nintendo DS and cellphones (they are 11 and 9), while I have told my kids that cellphones are ‘wants’ not ‘needs’ and if they want one, they have to have a job to pay for it.
My kids are going to have their braces. My son will have his surgery. I will do all of this on my own and my kids know that I am doing whatever I can to do this for them. (I am lucky enough to have insurance that will pay for half of the braces) Does it bother me? You bet it does. Does it surprise me? Nope. I mean I understand that some men pay a lot of money in child support, but it’s for the kids’ support, not the other things that they do. I would think that if the shoe were on the other foot, it might be a totally different story.
Thank you both for your comments. For the record, I don’t agree with Dad’s saying “that’s why I pay child support.” I do, however, think that everyone has to realize that two households are more expensive than one, and some things are luxuries. Even more so in this economy!
There is of course a big difference between braces and dance lessons…although my parents didn’t divorce until I was in my twenties, and I never had much “needed” braces
The main point, I think, is to try your best not to make these kinds of money disagreements something your kid knows about. They won’t understand our financial decisions until they are having to make them on their own.
If you *know* your ex is not going to help for a particular expense, and you cannot afford it by yourself, tell your kids you are sorry, but don’t tell them it’s the ex’s fault. If you *can* afford it and you are just upset on principle that your ex won’t help pay, pay for it, accept the glory, but don’t mention or rub it in that their other parent didn’t help.