Mar 15 2009
Who Gets the House?
We’ve had quite the discussion recently in my divorce support group about who should move out and why. One member suggested the simple rule that the one who wants out should go. It might not always be so simple - for example, what does that mean for the couple who have mutually and amicably decided to separate? Or the abuse victim that must simply run away? But for most situations, I think it is a good rule.
There are important legal and financial ramifications for the person who leaves. Lawyers usually advise you not to move out until you have a legal separation agreement. When you leave, you give up the benefits of the “possession is nine-tenths of the law” rule. And it can be interpreted as abandonment, regardless of how “mutual” the decision might have been at the time.
Unfortunately, even if the separation is intended to be “temporary”, the spouse who first leaves the home will find themselves at a distinct disadvantage should things go south in settlement negotiations. And if the spouse in the home decides to make things permanent before the person who moved out agrees, well, tough luck.
It’s a shame that the legal aspect of separation punishes the person who moves out - many times that person left to respect the wishes of their spouse and with the hope that giving him or her some requested ’space’ would lead to reconciliaton.
That’s probably my main reason for agreeing with my friend’s simple rule. If you have any desire to reconcile, you have a better chance of making it work while you are still in the same house - even if you aren’t speaking much or sleeping in the same bed. As long as your spouse has to see you everyday, and as long as you are really doing the work on your self that contriubtes to an improved relationship, that daily exposure has a better chance of influencing your spouse in a positive way than does “out of sight, out of mind.”
Don’t move out until you are postive it’s over and you have all of your legal and financial ducks in a row. Even if it’s amicable, take the time to get everything in writing before either of you leaves the joint home.
